Lina Inverse and the Holy Grail
by Orpheus2
Summary: Actually a search for the Legendary Chalice of Volfied (no one's ever heard of it), but it bears a stunning resemblence to a monty python movie of similar name. And as always, I own neither Slayers nor Monty Python; in other words, don't sue.
1. Default Chapter

Lina Inverse and the Holy Grail  
  
(well, actually the Chalice of Volfied, but 'Holy Grail' IS the cliche)  
  
The Quest Begins  
  
Sound is defined as a compresional wave; energy trasferred from atom to atom as it travels farther away. As such, the denser the air, the further a sound will travel.  
  
Therefore, the damp, heavy air of the northern moors proved to be the absolute perfect conductor for the odd, carrying noise of...  
  
clip, clip-a-clop, clip, clip-a-clop clip-clip-a-clop, clip-clop clip, clip- a-clop...  
  
"BURST RONDO!" "GAAAH!" Gourry panted in shock as instinct took over, wrenching his body into the human equivalent of a cat's cradle. It worked, if nothing else; what should have been the shot-gun version of Flare Arrow didn't manage to actually hurt anything. "Uh Lina? Are you okaAAAAAAAH!"  
  
Lina turned to glare at her mentally challenged, self-appointed guardian. "Gourry, I hear one more 'clop' out of those god-forsaken coconut shells, and I'm going to teach you how the wrong end of a mono volt feels. Okay?"  
  
The blonde one sweat-dropped as he imagined Lina deliberately aiming for him (he couldn't recall it ever happening before, as most of the damage he suffered occured as a result of being around her, as opposed to her actually injuring him). "Uh...okay..."  
  
The managed to continue on in this fashion for a time, before Gourry's innate and largely unexplainable fascination with the husks of tropical produce over-rode his normal instincts for self-preservation.  
  
clip, clip-a... "MONO VOLT!" "OOOWWWWWWWW!"  
  
About ten minutes later, a slightly calmer Lina and a slightly more singed Gourry arrived at the gates to a city. The sorceress gazed up, puzzled. She wasn't all that well-acquainted with the fortifications used here; it was the first time she'd come across an entire city with the capacity for locking out unwanted guests. "Hello? HELLO!!!"  
  
A head poked out of a window above the gate. "Who goes there?"  
  
She allowed herself to preen somewhat as she spoke. "I am Lina Inverse, Bandit-Killer extraordinaire, slayer of Phibrizzo, inventor of the Giga Slave, and Enemy of All who Live!" She paused.   
  
Somewhat unruffled by the speech, he squinted down at her companion. "Who's the other one?"  
  
Gourry waved back. "I'm Gourry Gabriev, former mercenary, and current chaperone for this girl here. OW!"  
  
Lina glared at him from where she'd smacked him. "Idiot." She looked up. "Anyway, we've been out here for awhile, and were wondering if your village could put us up for the night. We have the money to pay for an inn."  
  
Gourry nodded emphatically. "We've been riding for days now!"  
  
The man frowned comically. "'Wot, you mean on horses?"  
  
"Uh huh!"  
  
"You're using coconuts!"  
  
Lina frowned. "What?"  
  
"You've got two empty 'alves of coconuts that you're banging together!"  
  
"SO?!" Composing herself, she continued. "We've been traveling all over the place; Sairaag, Elmekia, Ralteague, Seyruun - "  
  
"Where'd you get those coconuts?"  
  
Lina forced herself not to try and blast him. "Yogurt-brains there found them somewhere. Now - "  
  
"Found 'em? In Sairaag? But the coconut's tropical!"  
  
"What do you mean?" Gourry called back up.  
  
"Well, this is a temperate zone!"  
  
Lina sighed, shaking her head. "My point exactly; I'm still trying to figure out how he got them. Now can we just come in?"  
  
"Well how'd you find 'em in a temperate zone?"  
  
Lina face-faulted. "PLEASE!?!?!"  
  
"Now look 'ere, you tart; we're not goin' anywhere 'til we find out where you got them bloody things!"  
  
Gourry scratched his head. "You know, the wise woman who lived in my village used to tell us how some animals didn't live in the same place all the time. She said that like swallows, and house martins, and plovers did this thing where they flew one place in summer and another in winter; could that have something to do with it?"  
  
The man above was silent for a few seconds before he finally asked, "are you trying to insinuate that coconuts migrate?"  
  
Gourry's palm impacted his fist. "Migrate! That was the word!" He paused. "Oh, nothing like that, I just thought maybe some kind of bird or something might have carried it over here."  
  
"WHAT?! A swallow, carry a coconut?"  
  
Gourry examined the shell. "Sure! These things are kind of hairy; I'm sure they could have grabbed on just about anywhere."  
  
With an air of supreme patience, the man continued. "It's not a question of where they'd grip it! It's a simple matter of weight ratios; a five ounce bird can NOT carry a one pound coconut."  
  
Lina had been growing steadily and steadily more out of control during this. She was on the verge of snapping. "PLEASE! JUST LET US IN!"  
  
A new head poked itself out of a window further down the wall. "Wolf Pack Island is known for the giant swallows there, one of them could carry one!"  
  
The first man paused in thought. "Oh yeah, one of them could, but not a northern or mainland swallow."  
  
"PLEEEAAAASE!"  
  
"Except, Wolf Pack Island's swallows never migrate." "Oh yeah."  
  
Lina groaned, turning and stumping off in a new direction.   
  
"Wait; supposing TWO swallows were to carry it together?"  
  
Gourry started after Lina, happily clattering his shells together, only to pause as an unhealthy red aura flared around the sorceress. "Lina..."  
  
She turned to glare at him, her eyes blazing with little tongues of flame. "Source of all power, light which burns beyond crimson, gather in my hands and become an inferno..."  
  
The two paused in their argument as abruptly, the forests exploded in a HUGE pillar of blue and white fire. Then they went straight back to their argument. "Where was I?"  
  
"Something about two swallows," the gatekeeper called back helpfully.  
  
"Oh yeah! What if two swallows carried it together?"  
  
The gatekeeper shook his head. "Nah, they'd have to string it on some kind of a line."  
  
"Well, simple! Just string it on a bit of creeper."  
  
"What; carried under the dorsal guiding feathers?"  
  
"Well why not..."  
  
To be continued...  
  
Author's Notes: Just some random silliness I felt like writing. Eventually, I intend to rewrite the entire Monty Python and the Holy Grail with the cast of Slayers, though with a few modifications. As there aren't any horrific plagues in this series, I obviously can't use 'bring out your dead!' Also, I intend to remove The Tale of Sir Xellos from Dragon Slave not Included, and add it here when appropriate. 'Dragon Slave not included' I think will be a collection of just random silliness, as well as non-Holy Grail spoofs, while this will have an actual storyline. 


	2. Political DoubleTalk

Lina Inverse and the Holy Grail (etc., etc)  
  
The Tale of Political Dogma  
  
(or Amelia finds out about confusing political double talk)  
  
Zelgadis frowned as he rode along. "Are you sure that you want me to come along with you like this?"  
  
Amelia beamed at the chimera. "Certainly! It's extremely important that you become acquainted with the people better, Mr. Zelgadis."  
  
"Why?"  
  
Amelia abruptly turned flustered. "Uh...uh...oh look, some of the people!"  
  
Zelgadis sighed, rolling his eyes as she and some of her entourage urged their horses into a canter towards the hunched-over figure dragging along some kind of rickshaw. He'd been looking for a cure with less than his regular enthusiasm (after so many failures, you kind of lose interest. Besides, having speed roughly four times greater than human's and near- invulnerability to anything short of a high-level black magic atack was kind of nice) when Amelia suggested he accompany her on this tour to check the problems of her Kingdom. Now this.  
  
"Excuse me, Miss?"  
  
"MAN!" the figure barked.  
  
Amelia winced at her gaff. "Man; sorry. Um, could you tell me who lives in that castle we're heading towards?"  
  
"I'm thirty-seven."  
  
Amelia nodded sagely before the exact nature of his answer penetrated. "What?"  
  
"I'm thirty-seven, I'm not old."  
  
Zelgadis frowned. "When did we mention your age, Mr.?"  
  
"And why all this Mr. and Man? You could call me Dennis."  
  
"We didn't know you were called Dennis," Amelia pointed out.  
  
"Well you didn't bother to ask, now did you?" Dennis grumbled.  
  
Zelgadis sighed. "Come on, we've apologized for the 'miss' remark, it's just that between the robes and the shawl, you kind of look like...well..."  
  
Dennis let the bars drop to the ground, having found his destination. "What I object to is your automatically assuming that I'm your inferior."  
  
Zelgadis blink-blinked.   
  
"Show some respect!" barked one of the men. "She is Princess Amelia of Seyruun!"  
  
If anything, this seemed to make him even more contemptuous. "Oh, 'Princess,' good for you. And how'd you get to be princess, anyway?"  
  
"Um..."  
  
Ignoring the attempt at answer, he plowed forward. "By exploiting the masses! By clinging to out-dated imperialistic dogma, which perpetuates the social and economic differences in our society." He shook his head in a mixture of disgust and weariness. "If there's ever to be any progress in our society - "  
  
"Oh, here's a lovely bit of filth!" The woman (this time it really WAS one) paused at the sight. "Oh! How'dja do?"  
  
Zelgadis bowed slightly towards her; at least she was polite. "How do you do miss? My name is Zelgadis, and this is Amelia, princess of Seyruun. Could you tell us who lives in that castle?"  
  
"Princess of who?"  
  
Zelgadis wanted to groan, but stifled the urge. "Princess of Seyruun."  
  
She turned back to her work, digging some kind of sticky black gunk out of the ground. "Who the bleedin' hey are Seyruun?"  
  
Zelgadis winced. Amelia answered for him. "Seyruun's not a who, it's a place. The grandest and most beautiful city of white magic in the entire world, and I am its princess, and yours!"  
  
"When Lina's not blowing it up," muttered Zelgadis.  
  
Miles away in a forest, Lina sneezed, but that's not terribly important at the moment. More an amusing anecdote.  
  
She shook her head. "I didn't know we 'ad a princess; I thought we were living in an autonomous collective."  
  
Dennis snorted as he returned to digging up fermented dung. "You're fooling yourself. We live in a dictatorship! A self-perpetuating autocracy, in which the working class - "  
  
She rolled her eyes. "Oh, there you go, bringing CLASS into it again."  
  
"Well that's what it's all about, classes, ain't it! Didn't Marx - " "Please," Zelgadis interrupted, "could you please just tell us who lives in that castle so we can let you get back to your debate?"  
  
The woman turned to regard the building then turned back in confusion. "Nobody lives there."  
  
Amelia sweat-dropped. "Nobody? But...then who rules you? Who is your lord and master?"  
  
"We don't have one."  
  
"Don't have one?!" barked the Dolt.  
  
Dennis turned to the soldier as though he were trying to teach a somewhat thick-headed child. "I told you, we're an anarcho-syndicous commune. We take it in turns, to act as sort of an executive officer for the week - "  
  
"Yes, yes."  
  
" - But all decisions of that officer must be ratified at a special bi- weekly meeting - "  
  
"Uh-huh, you don't say?"  
  
" - by a simple majority in terms of a purely internal affair - "  
  
"Be quiet!"  
  
" - but by a two-thirds majority in - " "BE QUIET! IN THE NAME OF PHILIONEL, I ORDER YOU TO BE QUIET!"  
  
The woman scoffed at him. "'Order' he says. Who's he think he is?"  
  
"I SPEAK IN THE NAME OF THE ROYAL FAMILY! IN THE NAMES OF PHILIONEL AND PRINCESS AMELIA!" Again, the Dolt.  
  
"Well I didn't vote for any princesses."  
  
"You don't vote for princesses," Zelgadis put in tiredly, wondering how long this meeting would actually last.  
  
"Well then 'ow'd you get to be the princess then?"  
  
Zelgadis blink-blinked in surprise as abruptly some kind of pillar of white and gold light surrounded Amelia.   
  
"The great lord Cephied, holy dragon of the divine white light, stretched forth his hands and laid them upon the founders of Seyruun, and said 'bless this city and make it thine, for thy descendants shall be ever the defenders of justice and love in this world.' And since that glorious day, ever have the descendants been chosen as the leaders of this land." The pillar of light faded away. "That's why I'm princess!"  
  
Dennis stared at her incredulously. "Listen lass, reptillian entities of another world pokin' at your family tree is no way to establish a system of government! Supreme Executive Power is derived through a mandate from the Masses, not some farcical amphibious double-talk!"  
  
"How DARE you!" the idiot who'd mentioned her royalty in the first place screeched.  
  
"I mean, you can't expect to wield Supreme Executive Power, just because some scaly behemoth went and laid his talons on your forefathers."  
  
"SHUT UP!" (guess who.)  
  
"I mean, if I went around proclaiming I was the Emperor, just because some bloody over-grown Gila Monster came along and gave me a massage, they'd lock me up for the mind-healers!"  
  
Finally having lost what tenuous grip he had left on his temper and self- control, the Dolt marched forward to start man-handling him. "SHUT UP! I ORDER YOU TO SHUT UP!"  
  
He wasn't doing much; just shaking the guy around a bit. Still, Dennis shouldn't have looked quite so ecstatic. "Oh, now we see the violence inherent in the system." His voice rose. "COME SEE THE VIOLENCE INHERENT IN THE SYSTEM! HELP! I'm being repressed!"  
  
Deciding that he'd been taught a sufficient lesson, The Dolt shoved Dennis to the side, a "bloody peasant!" his parting shot.  
  
Dennis's smile widened even further. "Oh, did you hear that? Did you see that, did you see him repressing me? That's what I'm going on about..."  
  
Zelgadis turned comfortingly to Amelia. "Don't let it get to you; as near as I can tell, the rest of the village is convinced he's a pissed off malcontent, and doesn't take him seriously. No need to..."  
  
"No, Mr. Zelgadis! Dennis has opened my eyes to the evils of the monarchy!" She pumped a fist in the air. "From this day forward, the people will have the privelege of VOTING for which heir ascends the throne!"  
  
Zelgadis sweat-dropped. "Um, aren't YOU the only heir to Seyruun right now?""Yeah, so?"  
  
Zelgadis frowned. "Well, then what's the point? Who ELSE can they vote for; you'll be elcted anyway."  
  
"A symbolic gesture, Mr. Zelgadis! Of the royalty's love of peace and struggle against repression!"  
  
Zelgadis muttered under his breath. It was going to be a LONG journey.  
  
Annoying Narrator Voice: Longer than even the far-seeing Chimera could predict. For much was afoot that needed a great deal of athlete's foot remover. Er, much needed to be fixed. Yes, that's better.  
  
To be continued...  
  
Author's Notes: Somehow, I expected it harder to come up with some kind of ceremony to make fun of in a Slayers Universe. Go figure.  
  
Lina Inverse and the Holy Grail (etc. 


	3. Dilgear Returns!

Lina Inverse and the Holy Grail (Etcetera, etcetera)  
  
The Tale...of The Black Knight  
  
(Or more accurately, Dilgear's Return)  
  
Irritating voice of a British Narrator: For all that Lina and Gourry realized it not, the brave Zelgadis and the princess Amelia would soon have more troubles all their own; troubles that would cause the two groups (and more) to dovetail. However, their own trials kept them distracted, no more than a swallow's flight away.  
  
Um, an UNladen swallow's flight. I mean, they were more then two LADEN swallows flights away; four, really. I mean, if the swallows were walking, and dragging the coconuts after them...  
  
(We hear the sound of a gigantic comedy mallet impacting something, just as the narrator's voice mysteriously cuts out, followed by a heartfelt "thank you" from the audience.)  
  
--------  
  
"Lina, we've been walking for almost two days now," Gourry complained. "When are going to stop at a village and get some rest?"  
  
The sorceress slowly pivoted to glare at her companion. "Well MAYBE if a certain nameless yogurt-brained idiotic swordsman would lose the coconuts, villages would stop asking how we got them. And not having asked, they wouldn't spend the next hour agonizing over how you'd found them in the first place, refusing to let us in until they'd gotten a reasonable explanation."  
  
Gourry hugged the shells to his chest. After getting hit with a Burst Flare (Blast Bomb is the strongest spell of fire magic, but Burst Flare comes pretty darn close), he'd refrained from making the galloping noises, but he flat out refused to just pitch them. "Nuh UH! You get to keep all those treasures and weird spell books and all that stuff the monster race wants to kill you for, why can't I keep these? They're MINE!"  
  
Lina rolled her eyes, muttering darkly under her breath. "You sound like a child who found a puppy he won't give up."  
  
Gourry cocked his head to the side as they continued into the forest. "A puppy? I never figured you for the type to like furry little baby wolves and dogs, Lina."  
  
"Aw, you like puppy dogs? Such a shame, that you'll have to deal with ME instead!"  
  
The two spun as a figure burst from the underbrush, both staring at the green-furred werewolf. "You!"  
  
He chuckled darkly to himself as he raised his sword. "I warned you that you wouldn't be rid of me; no one is rid of me. It's always just a question of how long it takes me to regenerate."  
  
Gourry stared. "You...Uh, who are you again?"  
  
He face-faulted. "YOU DON'T EVEN REMEMBER ME?!" He paused. "Oh wait, you were the idiotic one, that's right." He spun to point his blade at Lina. "But YOU will remember this opponent, that is clear."  
  
Lina scratched the back of her head, shrugging. "Sorry, but I'm with Gourry on this one. I seem to recall green fur from somewhere, but the name eludes me."  
  
He face-faulted again.  
  
Gourry shrugged. "Well, if neither of us remember him he can't be THAT important." He pointed deeper into the forest. "Should we just go ahead? See what else is out there?"  
  
The werewolf sprang to his feet. "None shall pass!"  
  
Lina sighed. "Just get out of the way, will you?"  
  
He growled, scratching at his face in frustration. "DILGEAR, YOU RAVING EXCUSES FOR MEAT! AND NEITHER ONE OF YOU IS GOING ANYWHERE!"  
  
Gourry slapped a fist in his palm. "That's right, the weird guy who kept healing after we beat the crud out of him and coming back for more."  
  
Dilgear winced. "Well...that's YOU'RE interpretation. Now stand and die, or else you're not going anywhere!"  
  
Lina tiredly raised a hand to charge a fireball, when Gourry stopped her. "Actually, do you mind if I fight him? I've been missing out on my normal practice lately, so it would help if I dealt with him."  
  
Lina shrugged. He wasn't worth the effort. "Knock yourself out."  
  
Dilgear chuckled, his eyes closed, before his head snapped up in Maniacal Cackle # 42 (arrogant villain about to get his comeuppance but doesn't realize it yet). "So Gabriev, forgotten the prowess of my sword so quickly? You won't LIVE to regret that." With all the grace of a wild boar on amphetamines, he charged.  
  
For his part, Gourry calmly waited as Dilgear approached. In the last instant before he would have been struck, he whipped his sword out, and cut once. As they ended up on opposite sides of the field, Gourry turned, idly sheathing his sword. "Alright, I think you should stop before you get any worse off."  
  
Dilgear snorted. "Are you crazed? I barely felt that scratch."  
  
Gourry and Lina both face-faulted. The sorceress recovered first, springing to her feet. "A SCRATCH?! Your arm's off!"  
  
The werewolf laughed. "Oh, like you could ever..." his voice trailed off as Gourry pointed at the ground. He sweat-dropped as he noticed the lump of green flesh on the ground; his left arm. It really hadn't hurt that much. "...I've had worse."  
  
Gourry's blank stare turned thoughtful. "Really? How could someone do that and leave you alive?"  
  
"Shut up and fight, you pansy!"  
  
Gourry blocked the handful of strikes with some slight amount of confusion as Dilgear clumsily struck at him. Finally deciding that the ogre wolf was serious, he swiped at him again, taking off both arm and sword. "Well, that's that." He turned back to Lina, sheathing his sword. "Okay, now whe- oomph."  
  
Dilgear grinned cockily. "Come on then."  
  
Gourry stared as he jogged forward to kick him in the stomach (pretty lightly too). "What?"  
  
"Have at you!"  
  
Gourry sat there, stunned by the idiocy before him. He knew he wasn't exactly the shiniest coin in the fountain, but this struck even him as moronic. "Look, I guess I can recognize your guts and devotion and all that, but the fights over."  
  
"Oh, had enough then?"  
  
Gourry muttered words that shall not be repeated in this PG-13 fic as he climbed to his feet, glaring at the ineffectual attacks. Finally, his temper frayed enough for him to start using naughty words. "Look you stupid bastard, you've got no arms!"  
  
"Yes I have."  
  
Staring into the heavens for a second, he looked back. "LOOK!"  
  
Dilgear glanced around uncomfortably. "Just a flesh wound."  
  
"Liar."  
  
"Come on, ya pansy."  
  
Gourry shook his head at the continuing ineffectual kicks. "Look stop that, alright?"  
  
"Chicken! Chicken!"  
  
"I'll have your leg," Gourry warned. As Dilgear didn't seem to particularly care, Gourry swiped the extremity off, with an almost bored air.  
  
Dilgear stared at where his third limb had once been. "RIGHT! I'LL DO YOU FOR THAT!"  
  
Gourry gaped as Dilgear tried to stump forward and shoulder tackle him...at one mile an hour. "You'll WHAT?!"  
  
"COME HERE!" Dilgear snarled, slightly desperate.  
  
Gourry rolled his eyes. "What are you going to do, bleed on me?"  
  
Dilgear didn't let it phase him (it should have). "I AM INVINCIBLE"  
  
"You're insane," was Gourry's reply. He was actually quite good at recognizing it, considering the company he kept.  
  
"DILGEAR THE PERSISTENT ALWAYS TRIUMPHS!"  
  
Tiredly, Gourry whacked off his last leg. Looking down at the still-living torso that had been an opponent, he conceded SOMEthing. Maybe it would keep him out of their hair for awhile. "Alright, we'll call it a draw." Sheathing his sword, he turned to Lina. "So where are we going?"  
  
Lina shrugged. "Just keep trying to find a village, I guess."  
  
Gourry nodded, his coconuts coming out. "clip, clip-a-clop, clip, clip-a- clop..."  
  
Dilgear turned to watch them. "Oh, I get it. Running away?! YOU YELLOW BASTARDS, GET BACK HERE AND TAKE WHAT'S COMING TO YOU! I'LL BITE YOUR BLOODY LEGS OFF!"  
  
To be continued...  
  
Author's Notes: It just keeps on getting better and better; chapter four involves not a witch, but a mazoku (both real and assumed). Guess who will be in each role? 


	4. Mixup of Mazoku

**Chapter Four  
The Tale...of Sir Xellos  
(Or a mix-up of Mazoku)**

Xellos frowned quietly to himself.

Normally this could be considered something to fear; the only times he lost that smile were when he was planning to do something hideously painful...oh wait, never mind, that's when he opens his eyes. He frowns a bit more often, but usually in genuine thought.

Anyway, at the moment he was trying to resolve an age old question.

Just how much weight can a swallow carry? Specifically, could a five-ounce bird carry a one-pound coconut?

(Confidentially, he didn't really care. However, he'd heard rumors about Lina being driven crazy by the question (he liked to keep tabs on his favorite meals). He just wanted to see that adorable little vein in her forehead start twitching when she found him).

Still, it was more a distraction as he waited for a delicious little bit of trickery to reach fruition.

"WE'VE FOUND A MAZOKU, MAY WE BURN IT!"

Forcing himself not to start grinning wasn't easy. Still, he managed a vaguely solemn air as he turned to face the superstitious and relatively stupid villagers. "How do you know it's one of the monster race?"

"He looks like one!"

If only you knew. Shrugging he gestured with his staff. "Bring him forward." The trickster priest turned to a scaffolding to lounge as they dragged a cage into the village square.

Zelgadis glared tiredly at him from within. "You know, I didn't expect to find you here, Metallium." He sighed. "I just wish I could say I'm all that surprised."

Fighting the grin was simply too hard; a delighted smile crossed his face. "YOU'RE the alleged mazoku?"

"You know damn well I'm not a monster."

"Certainly look like one."

"Oh shut up; you know that I don't have horns. Or fur. Or a dragon's tail. Or flapping cardboard wings. Or...well, most of this junk on me."

Xellos nodded thoughtfully. "I wasn't going to ask; I just thought that you'd lost what little was left of your fashion sense."

Zelgadis winced. Coming from Xellos, that hurt. "Oh, and just for the record, this isn't my nose; it's a false one."

"I was wondering what that was supposed to be; I thought maybe some urchin child was trying to feed the monster." He turned to the villagers. "Well?"

They shifted nervously. "Well we did do the nose."

"The nose?"

"...and the hat. But he's still a monster!"

(SCREAMS of assent).

Xellos raised his staff for quiet. It took a while. "Did you dress him in all that?"

"No!" "no! no!" "Yes." "Yes, a bit. He has got a wart!"

Zelgadis considered just blasting his way out, but thought against it; he shuddered to imagine the spin that Xellos could put on something like that. "They're not warts you idiots, they're gravel!" He paused. "...you know, I don't really think that helped my case."

Xellos privately agreed. Still, there was more lunacy to milk from this. "What makes you think that he is a monster?"

"What, he turned me into a newt!"

"Oh? Finally making some progress in the field of transfiguration?"

"He means recently; I've only been in the village for a few hours."

Xellos sighed. That could have gone so well. "A newt?"

The villager in question shifted uncomfortably on his feet. "...I got better."

"...BURN HIM ANYWAY!"

Xellos again raised his staff. "Quiet, quiet! There are WAYS of telling whether or not he's a monster."

(cheers and requests for edification.)

"Tell me. What do you do with Mazoku?"

"BURN THEM!"

Xellos nodded sagely. The fact that they lacked flammable material bodies seemed a moot point, really. "And what do you burn apart from mazoku?"

"MORE MAZOKU!" screamed one.

The rest of the villagers just thumped him.

"Wood!" called out one of the more intelligent (his IQ was around 80).

Xellos nodded. "So, why do Mazoku burn?"

This brought them up short. You could almost HEAR the synapses misfiring as they pondered it. Why precisely some of them were chewing on their scythes and pruning bills and such was something to consider later.

Finally, the one who'd claimed to be a newt asked, "Because they're made of wood?"

"Goooood!" Xellos's pleased smile brought quite a few blushes. As for the trickster priest? There were a thousand times he'd pigeonholed humans as brainless insects. Then there were the times he'd been along with Lina and such, and realized that he might be wrong. And then he came back to backwaters like this, and became convinced once more he'd been right. "So, how do we tell, if he is made of wood?"

"Build a bridge out of him!"

"Ah! But can you not also build bridges from stone?"

"...oh yeah..."

"Does, wood, sink in water?"

"No, it floats...it floats!"

(Calls to toss him into the pond).

Xellos raised his hands. They'd used Zelgadis on several occasions as an anchor; that would ruin his fun. "What else floats in water?"

"Apples!" "Bread!" "Uh, very small rocks?" "Cider!" "Great gravy!" "Cherries!" "Mud!" "Churches! Churches!" "Lead!"

"A DUCK!"

Gasps came over the crowd as they turned to face this genius.

Lina groaned as Gourry beamed back at them.

Xellos seized the floor; Zelgadis might not arbitrarily incinerate a village, but restraint from Lina? She'd need gene therapy just to consider the concept. "So, logically?"

The villagers frowned in thought. "If...he...weighs the same...as a duck...then he's made of wood."

"And therefore?"

"...a mazoku! A MAZOKU!"

Xellos grinned. "Bring the cage; we'll use my large scales."

Lina strolled over. "Hi Zel. How'd you get into this mess?"

He shrugged as he started removing all the fake non-human bits. "Wrong place, wrong time, and in the vicinity of the wrong person."

Lina turned to follow his pointed finger, and groaned as she got her first good look at Xellos. "No kidding. Want me to bust you out?"

Zelgadis just quirked an eyebrow at her. "Do you really want to deal with the aftermath of spoiling his fun?"

For no immediate reason, Lina shivered. "Good point."

The villagers desperately hustled Zelgadis out of his cage, flinging him onto the scales.

Xellos raised his arms dramatically. Damned Amelia was rubbing off on him. "Remove the supports!"

A great cheer rose from the crowd as the scales swayed, then balanced perfectly. Zelgadis turned idly to look up at the supports. "That's a fair cop." He finally found what he was looking for, a series of well-hidden springs that kept the contraption balanced, regardless of the fact that he weighed maybe fifteen to twenty times as much as the biggest duck. "Diem Claw," he whispered, severing the springs.

Cheers faded as the springs fell with an audible ping. Well, audible if the resounding WHUMP from Zelgadis's end of the scale mashing into the ground hadn't drowned them out.


End file.
